The Shake- 12/11
Click HERE to read last week’s.
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Welcome to this week, where:
- President Trump had a bad week by any metric.
- The Stock Market is acting scary!
- Subway introduced cheesy garlic bread that can be used as the bread for any sandwich. Stoners everywhere rejoice.
- The cleanup effort has begun in Paradise, California. The death toll of 88 made it the largest death toll for any American wildfire in the last 100 years. The recovery is expected to take at least a year.
- Russian secret agent Maria Butina, who was arrested in July, is accepting a plea deal and will cooperate with the investigation about her attempts to sway the NRA and the Republican Party. If I know anything, and I’ve seen enough James Bond movies to make me think I do, there’s no way she just ~plays along~.
- The New York Giants might be good again?
- Weed is now legal in Michigan
- The Supreme Court let stand a court ruling that stops states from denying Medicaid contracts to Planned Parenthood. Also, just a friendly reminder that Planned Parenthood uses absolutely no federal funding towards abortions.
- A potential title for the upcoming finale to the latest Star Wars finale has leaked. Star Wars IX: Son of Darkness.
- Voter fraud allegations in North Carolina have people confused
- Burger King is rolling out mini cinnamon rolls.
- Beto O’Rourke just came up on top in a presidential straw poll for 2020.
In 1775, a man named John Chapman was born in Massachusetts. A smart and curious young man, John decided New England was not the place for him, and decided to make his way West. John followed established wagon trails and made his way through new settlements, planting apple trees and then returning a few years later when they had matured to make hard apple cider. He would then sell it in these newly settled towns, quietly making loyal alcoholics out of most of the men he came into contact with. What John understood was the simple principle of supply and demand. Whiskey hadn’t fully made its way out West, and there was a demand for liquor that he could supply. John Chapman is one of my favorite American entrepreneurs, and I’m glad that we still celebrate him today. Only today, we just call him “Johnny Appleseed”.
That’s just science
On a cross-country road trip with some friends, my friend Billy and I thought we’d lean on our college science majors a bit. For the entirety of our time in Utah, every time we passed a goat (and we passed a lot of goats) we yelled at them. As we left Utah, we deduced that since none of the goats made any sort of response, all Utah goats must be deaf. To put it in prettier words, all goats sampled were unable to discernibly respond to audible stimuli.
The scientific method is a treasure, and all goats in Utah are deaf.
Conversation starters for braindead moments:
- Avatar was just Pocahontas
- The word “Slang” is slang for short language
- Would you rather be a pirate or a cowboy?
- If you could go to Mars, would you?
- By 2020, the $8.5 billion U.S. marijuana industry will is expected to create 250,000 new jobs. Make of that what you will.
- Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman and Audrey Hepburn’s real name was Edda Kathleen van Heemstra Hepburn-Ruston. Would you need a stage name if you were trying to be famous?
- Does anyone actually like those tubs of kettle corn and cheddar popcorn that go around during the holidays? Should we talk about this or just suffer in silence?
- Is a hot dog a sandwich?
- Nelson Mandela was classified as a terrorist by the U.S. government before becoming President, and you know, dismantling the structures of apartheid.
- Are textbooks or tablets better for the environment? One relies on trees while the other relies on child labor and dirty mining of precious metals.
- When eating wings, whether a person prefers the drumstick or the flats says a lot about them. Whether they eat wings or not says even more.
- There are 2 types of people in this world: those that prefer crunchy peanut butter to smooth, and those that haven’t tried crunchy yet.
- Until February 7, 2013, Mississippi hadn’t actually ratified the 13th Meaning that until 2013, slavery wasn’t actually abolished in Mississippi.
- It’s 1693 and you’ve been accused of being a witch. How do you prove you’re human without being killed in the process?
- Tequila wasn’t introduced to the United States until the 70’s.
- We have no idea what sounds Dinosaurs actually made.
- The Grateful Dead: Best band ever or Greatest band of all time?
From the notes section of my phone:
“If absent-mindedly committing to plans was an Olympic event, I’d probably miss the medal ceremony.” (6/18/18)
A tale for your travels:
My job requires me to be at work in a pretty remote area of Northern Vermont in the earlier hours of the first day of my shift, where I then will be in the field for 8 days. Because of this, I drive up the night before. Some people have to take the train at 5 AM on Monday mornings, others have to stay late on Fridays, others (like me) have to drive on icy roads at night before a week-long shift. Before my most recent shift, I was trying to make my way down a pretty steep road that had a thick coat of ice on it and I started to slide. As I slid down the next 20 feet, all I could do was grip the wheel, try not to hit the brake (that locks up your tires and seals your fate) and just say, “Shit, shit, shit shit, shit, shit shit, shit!” over and over again until I crashed into a snow bank. I knocked on the door of a guy that lived a few minutes up the hill and luckily, he not only didn’t shoot me, but he pulled me out with his massive pick-up truck. Then I woke up the next morning and went to work.
At work the next morning, I watched a rabbit poke its head out from behind a tree and look around. Slowly, he began to make his (or her) way across a pretty big field, trying to not be seen. Around the halfway point, he (or she) started to make a run for it, tearing ass towards the safety of the forest on the other side of the clearing. Suddenly, a hawk swooped down and grabbed the rabbit in its claws and flew away with it. The rabbit sort of just sat there in the talons of this hawk, unable to move, and without a doubt, repeatedly saying, “Shit, shit, shit shit, shit, shit shit, shit!”
Sometimes, Mondays just suck.
Tales from the field:
I worked a job recently that gave me the opportunity to work with at-risk students from some of the tougher neighborhoods of California in a pretty remote location in Colorado. My boss liked to play country music and most of the kids absolutely hated it. During a writing period, country music was playing and one of the kids called me over and asked me to change it. I put my ipod on shuffle and Greensky Bluegrass came on. The same student called me over about 30 seconds later and said to me, “Hey, Quinn. You hang out with a lot of black kids when you were growing up?” I laughed and asked him why he was asking, to which he replied, “Because I asked you to change the country music to something else and you put this on. You actually think this isn’t country music. That is some white-ass-shit, my guy.”
Something to think about:
This week my phone conked out. Unchargeable. Broken. Dead. A useless rectangle. I was trying to get from the Northwestern corner of Massachusetts to the Northeast corner, something I had never done before. I went into a McDonald’s and asked someone to put the address I was trying to get to into their phone and wrote it down on a napkin. What I failed to realize is the Massachusetts road system was crafted by none other than Satan himself. I was driving in what I believed to be the correct direction when I had the option to take Route 2 or Route 2A. I chose the wrong one and found myself 200 miles in the wrong direction. 3 phonecalls from gas station phones and a conversation with a K-9 officer later, a trip that should have taken me maybe 3 hours took me almost 6.
I am astounded at how drastically derailed my evening became once I didn’t have my phone. I work as a wilderness guide for a living. I use maps and compasses and start fires with sticks and eat apples off of knives and all that. I was USELESS without a phone. Either we have to dumb down our highway system, start to recognize our dependence on phones, or maybe we should start having maps in our cars again. Or maybe all of those. Or maybe I should just buy a vehicle that was made sometime in the last 25 years.
Something for the water cooler:
“The Buffalo Bills barely lost a game in 1970 by missing on a bad pass for a touchdown. The loss allowed them to get the 1st pick in the NFL draft, where they took OJ Simpson. OJ lives in Buffalo where he met his wife Nicole Simpson and then allegedly killed her in Los Angeles. He then hired Robert Kardashian to be his lawyer. They won the case, making the Kardashian’s somewhat famous. Then, Kim drops the sex tape and becomes famous. So basically the 1970 Buffalo Bills are the reason we have to deal with the Kardashian’s today, because if they would have won that one game, they wouldn’t have had the pick they took OJ with, so he would have never met Nicole, and this never had the chance to kill her, preventing the entire Kardashian family from ever being even a sliver of a subject in modern culture.”
That’s a cool quote:
“Until the lion learns to write, the hunter will always be the hero.”
Here’s a song:
^ Click the link and listen. Guarantee you sing this to yourself all day.
Thanks for reading. Comment and send it to your friends if you like it. Good luck out there.