An Absence of Sugar and Some Musings on Asparagus

My friend out here challenged himself to try being vegan for a month which is an awful idea. But that also cuts out most sugary products and he told me that the hardest part was cutting sugar and then we spoke about how just about everybody is addicted to sugar. Long story short I’m trying to not eat sugar for 15 days now. I’m 24 hours in and this is horrendous. I’ve eaten my weight in sugar for the last 22 years and I’ve definitely been in better moods.

 

In other news, I’ve taken the jump into eating asparagus because it’s delicious but I think my time eating asparagus is over because Asparagus pee is next-level gross. I’m not grossed out by a lot of things. I’m good with blood and I can see people puke. But there’s something about that morning-after-Asparagus walk to the bathroom where you look at yourself in the mirror, dreading what is about to happen. You unzip and before you’re able to mentally prepare, there it is. It knocks you a half-step back and while you fight to regain your balance, it just keeps going. The smell. Like something from a horror movie, it is relentless; attacking your nostrils and somehow your mouth as well. Your eyes burn. Sound becomes muted, dull. And right when you think this is the end, it stops. It’s over. You look in the mirror, horrified. You’re confused. You wonder aloud, “How could that have come out of me”. You wash your hands and try to wash the whole event out of your memory. You splash some water on your face and regain your composure. You walk out of the bathroom and as you’re about to walk away to tend to the days activities, you notice something moving out of the corner of your eye. Rolling ever so gently, sneaking through enemy lines, a lone asparagus slowly rolls itself down the stairs and out the door.

The Asparagus have become self-aware. We are not safe.

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