[Disclaimer: This blog and writer are staunchly anti-human rights violations. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…]
Could you imagine if Kim Jong-Un actually has done all of what he says he’s done?
Kim Jong-Un claims that he doesn’t ever have to go to the bathroom. That the first and only time he ever played golf he hit a perfect 18. North Korean children are taught that he started walking at 3 weeks, was talking at 8 weeks, and was driving at the age of 3. His birth was prophesized by a speaking Swallow and the event was celebrated in the heavens with the birth of a new star and a double rainbow. He won a yacht race at age 9 and is one of the greatest musical composers in world history.
What if he did this stuff?!?! Could you imagine if he actually did all this stuff and the rest of the world just doesn’t believe him has been doing nothing but make jokes about him and his dad for the last 50 years? It’s like if Superman came to Earth and was like, “Yeah I’m totally faster than a train and you could shoot me in the face and I won’t even feel it,” and all we did was laugh at him. “Ok, crazy. Anything you say. You gonna tell us you can fly too?”
“Well…yeah I can fly really well actually. I can probably fly faster than a speeding bullet.”
“Haha! I love this guy! Say more funny stuff.”
Superman spending his days as the butt of comic strips and political stand-up bits is so funny. Kim Jong Un is trying to tell the world that he literally is super human and we’re all like “Nah, you’re short and funny.” That’s his thing. He’s the crazy little guy with the shitty missiles that fall over when he tries to launch them. Superman wouldn’t know what to do if he was completely delegitimatized his entire life. He would either go crazy and start his own rogue nation, or he’d get so fed up that he’d blow up the world. Hmm.
“Hey guys, I’ve literally never taken a shit. Isn’t that nuts!?”
“Yeah no you definitely poop a lot. You probably poop weird!”
“Fuck off guys”
“Feed your citizens!”
“…My dad invented cheeseburgers.”
Here’s to hoping nobody fires off any nukes anytime soon. Also, Superman is an overrated super hero but that’s for a different day.