Name of Student: Adolf Hitler
Course: Introduction to Watercolor
Instructor: Adam Goldschlaggerwitz
Behavior: After knocking over his paint palette for the third time, Adolf stood up and began shouting that the falling paint was the fault of the gypsies and the Jews, then stood on the table shouting, “Death to the Jews!”. I suggest immediate detention through the remainder of the week and formally request a parent-teacher conference.
Name of Student: Sun Tzu
Course: Physical Education
Instructor: Coach Lyons
Behavior: Playing Dodgeball today, Sun Tzu quietly crept over the line and lit the other team’s Dodgeballs on fire, then whispered something to the opposing players, causing 3 to begin crying and the rest to quickly leave the gym. When asked why he lit school property on fire and what he said to the other students, his response was that, “Total victory had come via the most economical and tactically efficient means”. Suggestion of detention, meeting with school psychologist, and removal from my gym class.
Name of Student: Bernie Madoff
Course: Lunch period
Instructor: Marty Lysavich
Behavior: Bernie convinced over 37 of his students to pool their lunch money and give it to him so that he could order pizza for everyone. Technically, he purchased the pizzas and every student who paid got a slice. However, Bernie only put out 3 of the 9 pizzas that were bought, charged other students $4 a slice from the hidden boxes, then used this money to repeat the same practice in the next lunch wave. With the money he had from all of this, he called a tow truck company and paid the driver in cash to tow my car away. He also convinced me to give him $26 for 2 slices of pizza. I am incredibly unhappy. He must be stopped. As many detentions as possible.
Name of Student: Casey Anthony
Instructor: Sandra Krubski
Behavior: Today we dissected frogs. 15 minutes into the dissection period, I realized that Casey’s frog was gone. When asked, she responded first that, “My frog was taken by the janitor but I was too nervous to raise my hand and tell you”, then changed her story to “The frog was never given to me”, then finally, “I never wanted to be in this class and this frog was getting in the way of me enjoying my life.” After searching for close to 35 minutes, the frog was found jammed into the paper towel dispenser. Casey now claims she is innocent of all frog-related accusations. This chick is batshit crazy. She should have detention for as long as humanly possible.
Name of Student: Kim Jong-Un
Course: Debate and Rhetoric Instructor: David Willis
Behavior: Today we had a debate, in debate class, over nuclear proliferation. Kim took a pro-nuclear stance, towards which one of the students said he was being hard-headed. Kim quietly stood up, snapped his fingers, and from the hallway, a poison dart hit the student disagreeing with Kim right in the neck, killing him. I believe that criminal charges are in order, but at the very least Kim should serve a lunch detention.
Name of Student: Mahatma Ghandi
Course: Colonialism and EmpiresInstructor: Benjamin Dover
Behavior: In our class discussion of England’s occupation of India, Mahatma discarded of all of his possessions, clothing included. This is obviously against the guidelines for acceptable clothing, and furthermore, he has thrown out 2 textbooks and now refuses to take any quizzes I administer. It’s also just really weird that he’s sitting there naked, like I shouldn’t have to reiterate this one. Please make him put his clothes on. Also, detention. Lots of it.
Name of Student: Richard Nixon
Course: A.P. US HistoryInstructor: Gertrude Halloway
Behavior: Our class is a week away from the AP tests, and while I can say with almost near certainty that Richard would have passed with flying colors. However, Richard chooses to spend his time with other students who are not so academically gifted. He crafted a plan to steal the answer key for the test, a test he easily would have passed. I caught him when one of the dolts he hangs out with left the door jammed open. He has tried to explain the situation to me and has reiterated that he is not a crook. Sadly, my recommendation is that Dicky Nixon be removed from my AP class…and be given detention.
Name of Student: O.J. Simpson
Instructor: Roger Bader
Behavior: I’m in shambles writing this right now. OJ is a student in my 3rd period Chemistry class. Today, while working in pairs during an experiment, OJ quite simply murdered his lab partner, Sarah. While everyone realized he clearly did it, the lab coat that he was wearing, with blood splattered all over it, no longer fit him. He proceeded to explain to me that, “if the coat don’t fit, you must acquit” and I think he’s right about that. So since he can’t be sent to prison, I guess the only thing left to do is give him detention. I suggest that O.J. Simpson be given 3 straight Saturday detentions, as that should teach him not to kill people anymore.