Making the Perfect Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich with Me, President George W. Bush

Good afternoon, America. Or should I say Happy Lunch time? Either way, it’s me: number 43. George W. Bush. I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked about my hobbies since I’ve left the Presidency. Well, I’ve been painting a good amount and I like to make bird houses. But when I’m not using my watercolors or mending our relationship with our avian brothers, ol’ Dubya likes to get his eat on.

So here today, on this 16th day of Feberary, we’re gonna get cookin’. Now Laura asked me not to make too much of a mess, but there’s only one way I know how to cook: Georgey Style, and oh boy that means it might get messy! I’ve received an honorary culinary degree from the University of Texas (Go Longhorns!) so you’re about to get learned by a professional. So with further a-dew, let’s get started.

The first thing I did when I moved into the White House way back in 2000 was march right down to the White House kitchen and tell my chef –I called him Mr. Chef — “Hey Mr. Chef, I like a good PB&J sandwich, so we best be toasting that bread”. And that’s what we’re going to do first here today. Take your two slices of Country White Bread, or whole wheat for the liberals out there, and stick it in the toaster. We have a saying down in Texas, maybe it’s a thing on the interweb as well, and it goes like this: “When you make your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, make sure to toast your bread”. I never fail to remember that when making my sammies.

So now we have our bread toasted to a wonderful golden brown hue. Now take the piece of bread on the right and start to spread your peanut butter. I prefer Skippy Peanut Butter, Extra Crunchy. The peanuts in it taste like little candies when you bite into it, and if I know one thing, it’s that I love peanuts and that I’m a sucker for candies. I hear they don’t have candies in Iraq still, so I’d like to take a second to apologize for my Middle eastern amigos that were candy lovers. That’s a “my bad”.

Now pick up the piece on the left, because it’s time for our delicious jams and jellies. Now I don’t quite know the difference between jam and jelly but I do hate marmalade. I like to use grape jelly, but if Karl Rove’s asking, don’t tell him you like grape stuff. Something about him not liking black people. Also, if anyone reading this knows the difference between jam and jelly, I’m dreadfully confused on the matter.

Now you’ve got your jelly on the left, ‘nut butter on the right. Time for more jelly!!! Just empty the whole jar and stick the two halves together. Now it’s time for me to call for Laura for this next step because I’m not allowed to play with the knives. She’s gonna cut off our crust because that’s all sorts of yicky. While I’ve got Laura here, I’ll ask her to cut it into triangles as that is my favorite shape.

Now for our final step. The whole family’s in the TV room right now watching C-Span but that’s all boring to me. Anyway, the last thing to do is to eat one triangle in your kitchen. After that, you take that second half, you walk into the other room where your brother Jeb is sitting, and you throw it in his face and laugh about how he wasn’t a President like you and Daddy. Then go get yourself some Cheetos. God I love this country.

Alright, Mother is saying no more computer time for today, but check back soon for more cooking sandwiches with me, #43.


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