Life Lessons: Christopher Columbus

From sailing around the world to enslaving entire civilizations, Christopher Colombus seems to have a lot on his plate. We caught up with him to see how he juggles all of this, and how he deals with negativity. All answers have been translated into English for the convenience of the reader.


Christopher, thanks so much for taking the time to sit down with us. I guess the first thing we’re gonna want to cover is that first trip to the New World. Some say you had no idea what you were doing and just got lucky by bumping into a landmass that you thought was India. Your thoughts?

That first trip was amazing. We brought 3 ships, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. When we hit land, I’ll be honest, I thought we were in India. That’s on me. But we called them Indians any way because fuck it, they’re all brown, ya know?

That’s horribly offensive, but please carry on.

So we land in what’s now called Cuba, and they come up to the ship. These fuckers have gold hanging out of their ears and their best weapon is a club. They’ve got no shot. And I guess this is in line with the title of the piece you’re writing, so let’s do some life lessons.

  1. If you accidentally discover a new civilization, you’re gonna want to go ahead and either declare yourself a God or start hinting at the fact that everyone will be very dead if they don’t let you be in charge. This leads to slavery, which I’d be happy to  about more. 
  2. Fuck everything that moves.
  3. Just sail!
  4. Don’t read your news clippings


That’s quite the list. Mind if we tackle these one by one?

I’d love to.

Alright, let’s start with number one. Calling yourself a God, slavery, all of that. Don’t wanna put words in your mouth so I’ll just let you dive into that one.

Alright. The declaration of being a God wasn’t one that was necessarily handed to me, but I have peers who have had that luxury. Hernan Cortez, now he had it easy. They thought he was a God and he just walked right up and killed ’em all. I, on the other hand, had to earn control over the Indians.

They’re not actually Indians.

They’re Indians.


So like I was saying, I had to earn my power. So I made them all my slaves and systematically killed them. And y’know, sometimes you have to parade some dead bodies through the streets to let the people know what’s up. Which brings us to number 2, which is that I guess we were responsible for bringing Syphillis to that part of the world. But that‘s just a part of colonization. So, yeah. Don’t regret that. Fuck anything that moves, kid.


Number 3, you said “Just Sail!”, care to elaborate?

Well, yeah. I literally bumped into a new continent. You think I always knew what I was doing? Think about how confused I was for 80% of that trip. I thought I was in fucking India! We ended up in the Caribbean and we still called them Indians! Confidence. Unbridled, irrational confidence. Just sail the boat. 

That’s strangely good advice. I assume this last one, “Don’t read your news clippings” has to do with your legacy, correct?

That is correct.

Yeah because it’s pretty shitty.

Well, I’ll say a few things about this. First, of course I’m not the most popular guy with the Indians. We raped and pillaged our way towards the domination of an entire population. I don’t expect them to sing songs about me. Second, I’m still big in Italy. But I’ll finish with this: I have a holiday. Some hippies call it Indigenous People’s Day, but we all know you’re not at work on the second Monday in October because of one man and one man only, and that’s Christopher Motherfuckin’ Colombus.

To be honest, you were a lot more self aware than I thought you’d be. I thought you were going to be a massive asshole.

Oh I am. I’m a war criminal that you idiots celebrate every year. Oh, also, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t get how this works. Is there a timeline I can look at? It makes no sense that we’re talking and I have an understanding of the world in 2017.


Whatever. Make America Great Again.

Oh fuck off.

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