A Puberty Talk with Rick Santorum

Hey Kids, my name is Rick Santorum, and I’m going to talk to you a little bit about your growing up!

I used to be a Senator in Pennsylvania, but you probably know me as the guy who caused your Mother to yell at the TV in disgust during the presidential debates. Anyway, you’re all starting to notice changes with your bodies and I’m here to talk about some questions you may have.

For the girls, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve heard the word vagina, but I have absolutely no idea what or where it is. All I know is that I think I hate them.

Boys! Boys, boys, boys. Exciting things are happening! The best rule of thumb is to just never touch anything. If you think about it, the Devil is testing you. So repeat after me: “Don’t Touch Anything!”  Great job. If you DO fall to the Devil’s will and touch yourself, there’s a few things that could happen. Your sin area (as I like to call it) could fall off, you could go blind, or you can even get cancer probably.

Now I’m on the record as saying that sodomy should be illegal (that’s the butt stuff and the mouth stuff). Now this is for two reasons. First, I can’t stop thinking about it so I banned it. Second, sodomy causes AIDS and we don’t want that in America, now do we? There’s even research probably that you can maybe read that says that. So when it comes to things like that, remember to “stay away or you’re gay”.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hey Rick, how do I keep my mind away from these seemingly normal thoughts that you’re calling evil?” Well, what I’ve told my children and other God-fearing Christian boys and girls is this: Just think of me! That’s right. Nothing will make you want to turn off all those naughty thoughts like thinking of fleshy, maybe Gay Rick Santorum. It’s what God wants, and if you don’t do what the old white guy in your Church says God wants you to do, you’ll burn in Hell forever with all of the other sinners like Chuck Berry and Neil DeGrasse Tyson and Bernie Sanders.

Alright, Kids, that was fun wasn’t it? If you have more thoughts about your changing bodies, just keep them to yourself and make fun of the smart people.

 

Also, make sure you don’t search the word “Santorum” on Urban Dictionary. It’s so bad.

 

 

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