So I’m going to be giving myself a progress report. It’s actually going to be two different report cards. The first one will be on what I thought was going to be important when I was little, and the second will be what I’m expected to be good at now that I’m accidentally becoming an adult.
Report Card of Expected Importance
This is something I thought would probably carry me through my forties at least, but I’m 21 right now and a shockingly small amount of people have asked to hear me sing. But while the requests are few and far between, I’m somewhat confident that I could be/am the next Freddie Mercury. Just don’t ask anyone that’s heard me sing.
Coloring and Drawing: B- (with a curve)
I always expected to grow into my coloring abilities when I grew up, and now that some of my friends (that are my age) are working at hedge funds, I feel like some people might incorrectly view me as an adult, and that has forced me to recognize the fact that I never developed the fine motor skills to stay in the lines or be able to doodle anything other than a mushroom. My mushroom drawing abilities are out of this world, which bumps me up from a C to a B- (with a curve). I’m posting a mushroom below so y’all can get learned about drawing fungi.
Not my best one, but you get the point. Yes I add doors sometimes.
Quicksand Preparedness: A+
Always ready. Move slowly, find a long stick to hold onto to spread out the weight, hope that you didn’t accidentally grab a snake. Next question.
Planet Information and Alien Facts: A-/B+
This one has slipped from a rock solid A to now hovering around between an A and a B. I haven’t given this as much time as it deserves, and have instead leaned upon the crutch of my steady foundation in this department, as I spent more time than most reading up on planets (Uranus), UFO’s, and the like. Also, I saw an alien in my backyard when i was in 1st grade and that has to count for something. If you don’t think aliens are real then you’re a dumb.
I absolutely ace this section. As an environmental science major, you have to take a little class called GeoBiology, and in said course, you talk about the relationship between the living world and the geologic, which includes the fossil record. In the fossil record, there are dinosaurs. To fully understand the fossil record, you have to understand the dinosaurs that are in it, meaning that at the age of 21, I fell ass-backward into an upper-level college course talking about dinosaurs. Ask me my favorite dinosaur. Eubrontes. I even visited a fossil field in Connecticut (yes there were dinosaurs in the Nutmeg State) and studied their fossilized footprints. Want to get a job out of college? Study economics. Want to go on really cool field trips for 4 years and understand almost every facet of the living world around you? Study environmental science.
^ That right there is my foot in a 200 million year old Eubrontes footprint.
Long Division: F-
Absolute failure for me on the long division front. Expected this one to flourish with time. If I ever have kids I pray to God that he (or she) is good at math because if they need help I’ll be running for the hills. Live and die by the calculator. Anything else is for the birds.
Report Card of Realistic Necessary Life Skills
At first I was going to give myself a D, but then I realized that nobody knows what the hell is going on with taxes or who that asshole FICA is who keeps taking money from my paycheck. So in reality, either you’re a liar and you tell people you understand taxes, in which case you would get an A+, or you’re a normal person and are aimlessly wandering through life and losing 30% of your money every year in a terribly confusing and bitterly unrewarding system, and you get a C. 🙂
Squeeze the hand, hold the eye contact, don’t be the first to let go. Firmly grasp it.
Ability to hold a conversation with someone I absolutely despise: B/B-
Just not very good here. Only solace I can find is that my brother’s even worse. I’ll just walk away, whereas he’ll spit at your feet and then walk away. He’s going to be a teacher, so Back-to-School Night should go swimmingly for him. God forbid someone disagrees with his teaching style.
“Mr. Mendelson, I’d like to discuss why my daughter was instructed to listen to Johnny Cash’s complete discography rather than work on her handwriting for homework.”
*Punches parent in the mouth and steps over body*
Ability to speak a foreign language: B
I’ve taken 4 years of Italian and one semester of American Sign Language*. So I can kinda speak Italian, and I remember how to make the sign for turtle. But on a resume that’s two languages other than English, which earns ya boi a respectful B.
*I took one semester of Sign Language at Boston University before I transferred to Wesleyan. BU is actually known for their strong language department and pride themselves on immersive education, meaning that from the first day of class through the final exam, no English was spoken. In a sign language class, that means zero words are spoken the entire semester. Add onto that the fact that my professor was actually deaf and only “spoke” sign language and you’ve got quite the semester on your hands. However, there were these two guys that sat in the back of the room and talked the entire time, even during the tests they’d be talking to each other about what sign meant what. It was absolute anarchy, but I never had the balls to join them because in the back of my mind I was convinced my professor wasn’t deaf and it was all an elaborate ruse and he could hear every word they were saying. We’ll never know.
Ability to look busy when doing absolutely nothing productive: A+
This is a skill I honed in high school and to be honest, I haven’t really needed to use it. However, I’m told by countless friends of mine who have entered the work force (yeah that’s right, I have friends) that this is a necessary skill. I sure hope that I never have to have a job where I would rather look at funny pictures of cats than do what I’m paid to do, but if the day comes where I become one of the sheep of today’s Military Industrial Complex, bet your bottom dollar that this’ll serve me well. But realistically that day most likely won’t come.
Ability to not take life too seriously: A++
You’re not making it out alive. You’ve got 85 years if you’re lucky, make sure they’re fun. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow! What a ride!” – Hunter S. Thompson
“Oh damn, Quinn just went meta on us.” -Everyone reading this