Ladies and Gentlemen,
Before we really start, I want to make this clear. Effective immediately, and it is with a heavy heart that I must say this, I am suspending my campaign to be the next President of the United States.
They told us from the start that it was impossible. “Even if by some bizarre stretch of the imagination you get the tiniest bit of support, it’s literally against the Constitution,” they said. But we didn’t listen. We wouldn’t be held back by their ageism, or their callous and incendiary comments against our platform. No, I am not 35 years of age or older, I am 21. No, I don’t have a full grasp of “Foreign policy” or “Geopolitics” or “how economics actually works” or “how to pay taxes”. But, what I do know, and what my supporters knew all along, is that I’m a pretty alright guy. I almost always brush my teeth, I put my napkin on my lap when I eat, I say bless you if an attractive girl sneezes, and I’ve only been in 1 car crash with an elderly woman. I really am a pretty alright guy, and I had some really righteous ideas, but as we’ve found out, the political establishment wasn’t ready for our revolution. They weren’t ready for our expansive plan for Dinosaur Research. We were told that “nobody would pay” for our military training budget to be overhauled so that they all could dress and talk like Davey Crockett, and that nobody would want to use our free, government-provided scented nasal implants so you can just stick whatever smell you want right up into your nose. We met roadblocks and red tape at every turn, but we fought hard and we fought valiantly. Like Davy Crockett at the Alamo.
However, now that it’s all said and done, I did not do enough. My campaign team and I had a plan all along for how we were going to secure the Presidency. We had two plans actually (One of them being the time-honored tradition of blackmail). But, our main plan was to secure what we called the “Cousin of the Coal Miner” vote, and we didn’t do it. It’s commonplace in American politics for a candidate to go after a certain group to get more votes, for some it is the Hispanic, others the religious right, while others go for the middle class (Bernie it still sounds like socialism). Others go for more defined voter characteristics. We thought that if we got everyone whose cousin was a coal miner, we could win, and I gotta be honest, it sounded a lot better when we were first discussing it than it does now. I still think that plan could’ve led us to victory, however I was unable to obtain those votes. Sadly, I was unable to obtain any votes at all. Does this reflect a poorly run campaign? Perhaps. But for now, all we can say is that we fought for what we believe in. We didn’t campaign on fear, hatred, and silliness, we
didn’t only kinda campaigned on government handouts, I’m not the Zodiac Killer, and we didn’t campaign while secretly being a lizard. But however alright of a guy I am, I failed to secure the votes of the relatives of the coal miner’s of America, and I failed to be 35 years of age or older. If I let you down, I apologize from the depths of my soul. I wanted to represent you, and I wanted to help lead us hand-in-hand towards a better, all around more fun and vibrant tomorrow. There is still work to be done, and bet your bottom dollar that I’ll maybe be on the front lines fighting for what we believe in as long as it doesn’t come on Sundays during football season.
God Bless America, and please, Remember the Alamo.
Almost President Quinn
Okay, fine, I just wanted to see if there was a secret book about JFK and UFO’s*sigh*