Why are we all cold?

Well, first off, we’re all cold because it’s O degrees outside. That is part 1A of why you woke up unhappy. Because even though you set your thermostat to 80 degrees and even though you used 4 blankets and even though you slept in sweatpants, we’re tilted away from the sun right now and it’s 0 degrees outside and your apartment is cheaply built.

“But Quinn!” you’re probably exclaiming right now, “Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow! Spring should be here!” I don’t have answers for you on this one. Somehow, a rodent failing to turn around and see it’s own shadow didn’t predict the incoming weather properly. I’m pulling my hair out just as much as you are on this one.

“But Quinn!” you now are saying out loud, while everyone in your office starts to look at you, “What about Global Warming?! Shouldn’t everything be constantly getting more and more alarmingly warm, even in the dead of Winter?!” This is the part where I take 3 deep breaths before I say…. “No.” (It actually is getting constantly warmer on a long-term scale, but if you’re gonna look at it week to week, then you’re gonna see fluctuation.)

thats now how this works

Just gonna say this once, but if you’re the guy that every winter says that same corny “So much for global warming, huh?” joke, you’re not only not a funny person, but you’re also most likely a real dolt. But that’s okay! You can keep reading and hopefully when you’re done reading this, you’ll just be not funny and kinda dumb rather than full blown scientifically illiterate.

What you’re referring to as “global warming” is actually best described as “climate change” because that’s what’s actually happening. Yes, there are periods of warming because the Earth is currently in what is called a “warming phase”. The planet naturally fluctuates through both warming and cooling periods. These cycles take millions of years and currently we are on the uptick of one of those warming cycles. The only problem is we are exacerbating it at rates that haven’t been seen in millions and millions of years (Quickly! Panic! Now calm down and keep reading). How are we expediting this warming process? Because of a variety of behaviors and actions that lead to polluting the atmosphere, screwing with the oceans, cutting down trees that make that stuff we breathe to stay alive (ahem. Oxygen) and pumping way too much of the stuff we don’t breathe (Carbon, methane, etc.) out there, and on and on we go. But, this isn’t me harping on humans. Whether they’re good for the planet or not, old cars are fun to drive, cheeseburgers taste good, and we have to charge our cell phones because there are funny videos to watch. I get it. We just have to scroll past the videos of drowning polar bears.

“But Quinn!” you now say in an annoyed voice that worries your cubicle mate, “We were supposed to talk about why I’m so damn cold” Aha! Yes we are. This is why I prefer the term “climate change” to “global warming”. A side affect of this process is that our weather patterns become more extreme. Hurricanes in New England, Polar vortexes wrapping us in arctic air, more intense storms year-round, winter coming on in more of a short, violent burst, on and on. Our climatic system has fallen out of whack, so we’re getting taken for a bit of a ride for at least the foreseeable future.

So what we have here is an intensified warming cycle (caused by humans), with violent symptoms that confuse most people, especially if they work in the Government and lean too far to the right. When Senator Inhofe brings a snowball into congress, and on the Senate floor claims that global warming is a farce because snowballs exist, what’s really happening is that weasel is so blindly confused about what everyone is up in arms about that he’s turning to Kindergarten levels of rationalization, which every other perplexed individual hears and then latches onto. Either that or he’s raking in a whole lot of money on the side. Probably both.

So, is it someone’s fault if they truly don’t understand this climate change phenomenon? Well, yes. Educate yourself. It’s not so much that you owe it to yourself as much as it is that you owe it to everyone else to understand the times you’re living in. It makes it easier for all groups involved.

But, at the end of the day, why are you cold? Because it’s winter; now go buy a scarf.

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