I Think I Accidentally Fell in Love with the Iowa Caucus

Caucus 2016, Catch The Fever!!!

First off, was someone going to tell me the Iowa Caucus is the best political event there is? The fact that I’ve been alive for seven of these and I’ve only watched one makes me sad. This whole time I thought the GOP debate was the only appointment television of this election process, all the while the Caucus was just scooting by under my nose. Millions of Iowans leaving the corn fields to file into local gymnasiums to shout about whose the least awful candidate and just flip coins when they realize everybody sucks and that they can’t decide. If they would sell tickets, I honestly think I’d tailgate and cheer my head off for these crazy farmers.

If that’s not electric enough, literally every single major candidate declared victory last night. Ted Cruz, AKA the scariest man in America, is the only person who actually won. He also won me $15 on a prop bet saying that he would thank God before saying anything else. Evangelicals, you’re too damn easy. The mistake that everyone made in anticipation for this was buying into Donnie Trump saying he was going to win Iowa. Earlier in the campaign trail, when he was asked if he was a New or Old Testament guy, he answered that he liked both the same. Unless you can recite the entire bible, you’re not winning there as a republican; way too many crazies. Bernie and Hillary tied eachother? “Screw it, I’m saying I won”. I don’t like that mindset, I love that mindset.

But back to our mistake, looking at the Trump vs. Cruz matchup and hoping for some sparks proved foolish. But alas!!! Bernie and Hillary came to play. If you were watching at all last night, you found out that Iowa was #Feeling the Bern, and feeling him almost as much as they were feeling Bill Clinton’s sometimes roommate (and Secretary of State and former Governor), Hillary Clinton. They actually were feeling Hillary .06% more, which brings us to the best part of the caucus. The coinflips.

Last night wasn’t the first time that Iowa has dealt with coins and the flipping of said coins for political reasons. It is actually written into their Caucus rules that a tie leads to a coin flip to predict the winner. It also wasn’t the first time Hillary has dealt with political coin flips. It’s just the first time she’s won. She ended up winning all 6 coin flips on caucus night to determine a district winner, which is enough to have swayed the night to either Bernie or Hillary. But from what I’ve heard (read on a fairly non-reputable website), one of the caucus leaders for Bernie Sanders chose Heads for the coin flip, which they obviously lost. But there’s a bigger point here, folks. The failure to realize that tails never fails. If Bernie’s people don’t have the wherewithal to pick tails, does he really deserve to be President? Can he and his people be trusted to make the right call in a high pressure situation? Food for thought. Moving on.

So Cruz won the first state, which is terrifying. Trump is still very much a thing after being religiously incompetent and coming second in a religious state, also kinda terrifying. The Hillary vs. Bernie battle is going to really heat up now, as Bernie just almost won a religious state while being a democratic socialist who doesn’t believe in God, which isn’t as terrifying because he’s not Donald Trump or Ted Cruz. What a country.

Also, I don’t feel like I’d be doing my part unless I acknowledged all those who we’ve lost from the campaign trail this week. We are currently mourning the absence of:

    • Rand Paul (R)
    • Mike Huckabee (R)
    • Rick Santorum (R)
    • Martin O’Malley (D)
    • George Pataki (R)
    • Lindsay Graham (R)
    • Lincoln Chafee (D)
    • Rick Perry (R)
    • Bobby Jindal (R)
    • Jim Webb (D)
    • Scott Walker (R)

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened…And pray for a late entry from Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz. That hair is diabolical.


New Hampshire is on Tuesday, so here’s to hoping for another election night where we can make fun of the American Presidential Process.

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